Wrote the same evening as the previous entry.

The MaceEdit

It took several days to travel to the Elf capital. Arn's family lived there and they would be able to treat Honda. A day or two into the journey I suddenly had a thought. Dragging this Yuan-ti back to the north seemed like a waste of time. We didn't need Arn's father or anyone else to get information out of him, We could do it here. I stopped the wagon and jumped off. I stated it was useless to drag him this far. We could be going home after all, but we had to deal with the Yuan-ti, and the Yuan-ti had tried to kill us. I drew my silver knife from the scabbard attached to my thigh. "I will torture him for information" I said.

I jumped off the wagon and approached the Yuan-ti. Everyone looked surprised. I could not understand why. It seemed perfectly justifiable to me. It seemed like something I would do. It seemed like they wouldn't be surprised by it. yet they were. Variel the most I think. He said 'this isn't like you.' And he called me Lady Alex, he always calls me that. It made me smile, but I had no intention of stopping. Besides he was wrong, he hasn't known me long enough. This was like me, he was sweet but this needed to be done, "It is." I said, "Ask Honda."

I approached the Yuan-ti and asked him tell us all he knows. He spoke something about elves. It wasn't information. I pressed my blade to the skin below his eye, "You have two chances to tell me what I know."

The rest seemed to have an issue with this, I was confused by why they would care, and while normally their objections would affect me, I simply did not care this time. Whatever it was in my head that holds me back was gone. Honda said something "Shes evil...".

"Just now catching on to that?" I respoinded with sarcasm. It made sense to respond as such. She was the one who denounced me and my 'aura' as she called it. She should know what I am capable of. Artemis and Arn where both trying to get me to stop, as was Variel. Honda drew her sword and hit me with the flat of it. It hurt but pain is nothing to me. Pain is temporary. Pain is an illusion. The Yuan-ti had not spoken so I decided to carve out his eye. As I did Arn tackled me, I almost slipped his grasp but he got me. The Brute I thought. I spoke a magic word, the liberating command I had learned and slipped his grasp as if he wasn't there. I returned to my victim. Knowing if I could get him to talk they woud stop bothering me and leave me be. Variel tugged at my backpack. I shrugged and let him take it. I didn't care if he had my pack, he is Variel, he probably just wants something in it. and if it will get them off me so I can get back to work then fine.

The moment it was off me I felt a wave of shame and remorse. What the hell are you doing? a voice in my head said. my voice, my guilt. I holstered my knife. "Variel.. I..." Artemis went white as a ghost. Variel's eyes changed. There was a look on his face, similar to how he looked when he drained the Cleric, but worse.

I went to step forward, if he was going to attack someone I'd prefer it be me. I could maybe talk him down, I could maybe... I don't know. But I'd rather it be me than any one else.

Artemis stepped up, and with a quick movement removed the pack and the mace from him. He guessed that the mace was the source of the curse. It did not seem to effect him and he dropped it on the ground. Honda asked no one to touch it and communed with her god. After several minutes of speaking to her god... I guess that is a thing she can do... it mustt be comforting to her. I wonder how one becomes a paladin.

She returned and was able to cancel out the curse with some divine magic. There was a loud burst of sound and it defeaned me, I could not hear myself let alone anyone else. Variel looked at me and carressed my cheek, I smiled at him a soft shy smile and we continued on to Arn's parent's home.


As we got to the home of Arn's family Artemis pulled me to the side, he pointed out that both Variel and Honda were acting strangely. Variel was avoiding me he mentioned. I have to admit he was right, even at night he avoided me, and he hadn't fed since we returned from the coil... he was pushing four days now. And as for Honda, she showed signs he said. Signs of a condition he had seen many times back home. She was pregnant.

This was good news I think. Even if Arn wasn't the father. Not that I was interested in sharing that condition. We said nothing and met with Arn's parents. His mother pinched my cheek. I am a duelist of Hazuk, I have marched in and out of the coil twice now and she pinched my cheek like a child. I frowned and sighed, though truth be told it was nice to have someone who cared.

After introductions Honda was brought to a healer, The healer decided she was fine, whatever they gave her had no lasting effects. And he also mentioned the baby should be fine. Both Arn and Honda went into shock. I smiled and hugged Honda and congratulated them (once again assuming its Arns!). They seemed... surprised to say the least.

Honda said there had only been the one time, and I informed her it only takes the one time sometimes... suddenly I realized I needed to see a doctor... just incase! The Doctor however thought I was fine. I am not... I am not ready for something like that... and with Variel... well Variel might actually make a great father, btter suited to be a parent than I, I think, except I fear for what his father might do.

Honda temporarily resigned her duties... I don't think I would of. Baby or not I would fight on, I would fight harder I think. Arn was very protective of her at this point. which is sweet but... I don't need protecting, I mean I wouldn't need protecting.

I need to be more careful in the future...

I confronted Variel that day about feeding, I understand why he doesn't want to, he is shaken up about killing the cleric... I understand... but it has to be done. And in this land... we are far from anywhere we can call home. I told him I would let him go until tonight, but he had to tonight.

He ate ALOT. I do not know if hes trying to subtitute food for blood, or if Arn's mother just cooks that well but he ate a lot more than I do now. Especially with this ring, I don't think I even have to eat anymore. My meals lately have become nothing but ale.... I can not beleive I just wrote that, I need to stop writing things that could of come from my father's hand. Well he didn't have a magic ring as an escuse like I do.

Variel fed that night, though relunctant as always. He took... he took a lot. I told him to put up his wand and save the charges... I was fine for now, and we were safe. I'd just heal this one the old fashion way. Exhausted and barely conscious i asked him to sleep with me, I enjoy laying in his arms, but especially on this night in a strange land and so out of blood. Dizzy. It is all I can do to lean up and write this, but I need to write, I need to keep track of these days. So much is happening, I won't remember them all. And good or bad I want my uncle to read these when I am gone. So something of what I have tried to do here will survive even if my ghost does not.

Ghosts are unreliable anyways.

In the morning I am going to tell Variel if I ever die he should read this, all of this. I... I have feelings for him now, its... I spent... I mean.

I have been with a lot of people... both men and women, Humans, and the occasional Elf, but none of them ever cared anything for me. None of them stuck around long enough to discover who I am. I don't know if the only reason I like him is because he sticks around or if there is something more there. Could I really be so shallow and lonely that just being around me is enough for me to develop feelings?

I could be.

But I like to think its something more. Its only really been about a month, And we've only made love the one time but- I don't know - I am rambling, my words are all over the place and my head is spinning. Either-way I am going to protect him, and I am going to protect my friends.

Artemis and Arn, and even Variel they are heroes. I am just- I just not worthy of being included in such a group. But I am going to try. I deserve that chance.

And Chaniud help me, I never want to touch something like that mace again. Not because of how I acted, the truth is I can almost justify those actions, but because of how good to felt not to care, not to worry. What scares me is that girl... that girl who threatened to cut out that eye, I recognized her right away, and shes me. Shes the part of me I struggle with. The part of me I am ashamed of. The part of me I never want them to see, because I am beginning to care about them. The part of me I will be shamed to have Variel and Uncle Willeem read about, but they deserve to know the truth.

Forgive me?


- Alexandrina